🎀~𝒲𝒶𝓀𝑒𝓎 𝒲𝒶𝓀𝑒𝓎~🎀's Den

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Letter to myself
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I don't think Chan would ever be my bias but he's still an amazing stunning and really nice person I just like Hyunjin more and his personality and interests resonate with me more. Your bias is supposed to be someone you can relate to, someone who you really like and love the energy and mood of. Not just who you think is the hottest. Hyunjin loves painting, poetry, Lana del Rey, has a massive passion for dancing and loves each and every one of the members and stays. He's so special and lovely in every single way shape and form and no one could ever compare to him. Even when he shaved his head, he was still so many people's favourites. He thinks we only like him because he's "hot" but he's so wrong. People say you can have a good face or a good heart, but he was blessed with both. He's trying to learn English (one of the hardest languages to learn in the world) JUST so he can try to communicate with istays better. He's so thoughtful, kind, gorgeous inside and out and the most wonderful person. His energy is unmatched, and he loves to have fun with his friends and hang out with his family, I'm taking the time to write this because I care for him and love him so much- I don't care if he doesn't and never will know I even exist. I want him to always be safe and happy- He painted a picture for Han for his birthday and sent the time lapse and when Han saw how long it took, he was so grateful! He's so smart and amazing and I would die for him. I think about him all the time and I'm honestly blessed to have found him. Is this what love feels like? I'm getting so carried away, and delusional as fuck. You don't truly love someone (romantically or not) unless you can see them for more than pretty, handsome and "nice". Because that's all someone will list: "Why do you like her?" "She's pretty and really nice." "No. I said *why* do you like her?" ".... the way her eyes turn gold in the sunlight makes me feel warm. When her hair falls over her shoulders I get butterflies. When she smiles at me all I can think is how beautiful she is." Etc. That's what I want in love. "Her personality is like a painting, colourful and misshapen, but still art" "I would die a painful death to see her happy again" But I'm scared- I'm scared that I will never love someone else, someone in my league who I love the same as Hyunjin. I want to love someone who I can write whole ass pages about what I like about them and who they are. But how will I find that? How can I find someone who I love more than him unless it's him? These are deep conversations that I need to get out. I don't care if you don't reply. I kinda just wanted someone to listen because it may be out of hand or a dumb topic but I'm serious. No one can help who they fall in love with. So, when people tell me I'm being ridiculous, I just nod. Am I reaching for this deep a love that is literally fucking impossible to have for someone like me? I'm not even 15 yet. I shouldn't be thinking about any of this but here I am because I worry. I worry about everything and I'm expressive about serious topics with people I’m comfortable around because I want people to know how I feel and my opinions on these things. Because there are so many reasons why I love Hyunjin, and I would list them all. I just might, I mean- showing you and describing to you my genuine care and admiration of a person, even if it makes my whole-body ache and cramp, even if he never sees this or sees me, it’s all worth it in the end. To let someone, even if it’s just myself- know my love for one, is all worth it. The way he has complete control over his body when he moves and dances make me admire him more than ever, when he does lives and tells STAYS how much they mean to him, the way he dresses, and his style is above anyone I’ve ever seen. He likes to paint his nails, especially black. He loves painting flowers and self-portraits in his free time- in fact, he made the cover art for his song ‘Long for you’. Did you know he’s allergic to cats? His favourite season is Autumn. He like flour-based snacks and his favourite fruit is watermelon, but he dislikes onion, eggplants and carrots. His favourite number is nine, because “it’s just about to turn into a ten”. And everything he does makes me feel as if he’s been my life-long friend even though he doesn’t know I exist. The way he used to brush back his long dark hair made butterflies in my stomach- seeing him perform, I just felt so at ease and happy. When his eyes shine in the sun, I can help but notice. When he talks, I’ll always listen. His voice is so soft, yet so distinct and lovely. He is so easy on the eyes and has the most beautiful face and figure I’ve ever seen. He is the most visually and emotionally gorgeous human being and seeing him smile makes me smile too. If I could just see or meet him, I would tell him all of this. I would tell him how much he means to me. To STAYS, to his members- I can’t put my admiration and love for him into words. Even though I’ve been writing this for almost an hour and my arms and hurting. My thumbs are sore, my back is stiff, and my head is spinning, but I don’t care. I want to look back on this. I want to see Hyunjin happy, I want to see him continue pursuing what he loves, as I will keep following him on his idol journey in the hopes of one day seeing him. I wish I could give him the comfort and happiness that he gives us, and I don’t care if I’m a kid and he’s a man, because he’s not just a man. He’s Hyunjin. And I’m Aida. And Aida loves Hyunjin more than anything, or anyone in the whole wide world and she would do anything for him, even if it means giving up her love for cats and carrots. Thank you, Hyunjin, for being there with me. Even if you physically aren’t, you can always stay with me and you can be certain that I will always be there and stay with you.
That’s why we are called STAYs, right? Because we will always stay together?
Lots of love and wishing you the best,
From Aida <3